Anatomically Incorrect

There's an unspoken rule in a role playing campaign that I'd like to bring to light, and explain why it is the way it is.  The rule is simple.  Your characters never need to use the bathroom, and they don't have sex.  Ever.  They don't even have genitals unless you're kicking them.  It's just better for everyone like this.  Why though?  Wouldn't it add a sense of realism to the game?  It is role playing after all, and you're playing characters in an epic story.  Adding stuff like romance and seduction would make the story more complete.  And why wouldn't they need to go to the bathroom?  Didn't the book "Everybody Poops" teach us anything about life?  Let me explain...

"I'm the dude playin' the dude disguised as another dude.  Only now I'm a chick that poops."

I never discourage players from playing characters of the opposite gender.  It can make for some very fun and interesting characters.  And I get it, you want your character to be sexy-hot, like every character in any Michael Bay film.  Cool.  Done.  But the moment you start trying your "seduction technique", we're all suddenly every uncomfortable and the game has taken a terrible turn for the worse.  Because while you see your character looking like Kate Beckinsale, we all see something very different.  Very, very different.

 "Me pretty!  Me would date with you now!  No, where you run?!  Me love you long time!"

And no, it doesn't matter if you have an all-nerd-guys group or if you have a female player in your ranks (you lucky group you), or even if your group is made up of a mix of best selling authors and Oscar winning actors -- someone's going to get mighty uncomfortable when Player One starts hitting on the Gamemaster.  And just so you know, I'll unleash the damn Tarrasque on your butts if you try.

 "Am I pretty NOW?  Come on, let's do stuff!  ...jerk."

As for the other thing ... do I even have to get into it (no pun intended)?  I mean, really?  By now you're probably hoping I don't have a picture or graphic to post on this topic, and you'd be right to be scared.  You think we want to role play that out?  No character in Star Wars ever had to poop.  John McClain never had a "romantic scene" and he certainly never poops.  Legolas Greenleaf never asked Aragorn if he remembered to pack the elven butt-wipe leaves.  It doesn't happen, there is no skill or roll associated with it no matter how much you try to convince me there is, and so help me I will smash your character with the bow of the Titanic just to make sure your body is never found if you argue this point with me.  And seriously, why would you even want to?  And now, a picture to help me make my point -- here's a soldier doin' his business.

"You're welcome."

When's It My Turn?

Any veteran player can tell you, the more people you have at the table the longer it's going to take to get to your turn.  Gamemasters usually have to bend certain game rules in order to accommodate fast-pace action when dealing with a larger group, but even then it can be an uphill battle when every player enjoys being in the spotlight.  If a simple task takes a player 5 minutes to complete, and there's 10 people at the table, then your turn to act will be in 50 minutes.  Math, people.  Only "Role Master" players like math.  This leads me to the Yin and Yang battle between two time-consuming player stereotypes I like to call the "I Got This" player vs the "When's It My Turn" player.

"Let the games begin."

The "I Got This" player.  He's got this.  Whatever it is that needs doing, skilled or not, he's got this.  He was planning and plotting the moment the Gamemaster introduced the situation.  Nevermind that he's a part of a team, each player with particular strengths and weaknesses -- now that it's finally his turn to act, he's going to make the most of it and do damn-near everything that needs doing.  Remember that math thing I showed you earlier?  Well, extend that out now because "I Got This" is going to take his sweet time and milk this moment for all it's worth.  His crazy and convoluted plan is going to involve multiple rolls of dice, heavy explanation, perhaps a bit of pantomime, a quick intermission as he grabs a snack and pulls the Gamemaster aside for the "secret portion" of the plan, and half-an-hour later we're all still trying to figure out just what in the world he's trying to do.  

"No, I'm not trained in this, but I'm going to do it anyway because it's my turn, damnit."

Then there's the "When's It My Turn" player.  He's rolled low on initiative once again and will probably act last.  Whatever is about to happen, it's got little to do with him right now.  So, he leaves.  Maybe not physically, but he's not really in the game anymore either.  I had a player once who, the moment combat started and initiative was rolled, he turned around, flipped on the Playstation, and said, "Just let me know when it's my turn."  The "When's It My Turn" player comes to the game prepared with a book or supplement he can read, a laptop, portable game, tablet, or anything to occupy his ADD while the rest of the team is battling evil and getting the crap blown out of them.  You almost feel bad interrupting him, but it's come to his turn to act, and the first words out of his mouth are always "Okay, so, what's going on now?"  ...and you want to strangle him.  Because now, just like the "I Got This" player, you now have to spend the next several minutes doing a sort of re-cap of everything that just happened, and his turn has just expanded from a two minute action to a thirty-minute flashback story.  Damn you, math.

 "What? I was listening, just let me beat this level first. What's going on now?"

I'm not saying every turn should be a simple "I attack" or "I move" action, but be conscious of the time, people.  Remember the simple math.  5 minutes per turn x 10 people = a long-ass freaking time before it finally gets to that last person, so move it along.  And if you can involve your teammates in your action, then suddenly nobody has to wait around because others are playing an active roll throughout the entire initiative.

How do you keep the ball rolling in your role playing campaigns?  Leave your comments and share your experiences!

Now On The Nook

Pardon me for my brief moment of shameless self-promotion, but as it is my blog...

Click Here -->  NOW AVAILABLE ON THE NOOK!  <--Click Here

That's right all you Nook-a-holics out there, Firecracker is finally available at the Barnes and Noble Nook Store.  Firecracker is a fun contemporary fantasy thriller about a young woman named Aideen Cassidy, who has to be careful with her emotions because when she explodes, things literally explode! Being a pyrokinetic - able to start fires with her mind - isn't an easy thing to live with, especially when trying to find work in the modern world. Luck or fate lands her a job with a group of eccentric psychics who use their gifts to help local authorities with difficult cases. They can see the future, sense feelings, read minds - useful traits. All Aideen can do is blow things up. But there' something special about her that has caught the attention of the most powerful psychic in the world, and there are secrets about the organization even the psychics don't know. Plans have been put into motion, secrets are unraveling, lives are in danger, and the group soon find themselves caught in a conspiracy of shadowy monsters, government spies, and ancient legends that date back 600 years.

All Aideen wanted was to fit in. Now the lives of all her new friends must rely on her talents for fiery destruction.

 WHAT THE CRITICS HAVE TO SAY...

"This is a fun book that blurs the line between urban fantasy and science fiction. The characters are quirky, the action has a fast pace, and the plot is more than a little twisty. Great popcorn reading." - GoodReads (goodreads.com)

"I was pleasantly surprised to find great characterization, an interesting story, and a spunky heroine... A recommended read for urban fantasy lovers." - Jennifer Bielman (readingandwritingurbanfantasy.blogspot.com) 

"Once I started this book, I quite literally couldn't put it down. Fantastic action scenes. Stunningly realistic imagery (Brown dragging his rear on the ground like a dog with worms - read the book to figure that one out!!!). I laughed so loud I woke my wife up." - Amazon (amazon.com)

The Plan

Robert Zemeckis said it best when he said, "I like to let the heroes work up an elaborate plan first, then I make sure anything and everything that can possibly go wrong goes wrong."  I bring this up because my players like to plan.  Out loud.  While I'm within ear shot.  (insert evil laugh here)

 "No, this plan is brilliant, please continue...  I'm listening..."

As they plan their next move, I'm carefully and quietly doing the "anti-plan" in my head, figuring out all the cinematic and exciting ways I can make everything go wrong.  Now while that may seem counterproductive or even frustrating for the players, it's actually what helps transform an otherwise simple board game into an action-adventure epic.  Let's face it, if everything went exactly the way the players planned it, it'd be pretty straight forward (and kinda boring after a while).  A good story needs conflict.  And it's so much more fun when the players have to think quick on their feet.  It's why they still plan out loud even though they've caught on to my dastardly ways.  It's advantageous for me too because it helps me fill in the gaps of the story.  

 "I can honestly say I did not see this coming.  Still, good plan though."

There are times when the whole "planning process" becomes so elaborate that it consumes most of the campaign session, and that drives me nuts!  I remember once while running a game of Shadowrun, the heroes had caught a breather after running for their lives in a safe house and began planning their next move.  And planning.  And PLANNING.  Holy crap, this was the most complex plan in the long sad history of crappy plans and it just kept going.  It went away from role playing in character into player debates on what was scientifically possible (in a world where people can conjure living fire elementals and leap 30 feet in the air).  So I interrupted their talk with a missile.  Yes, a missile.  I sent it streaking towards the safe house, giving them seconds to get the Hell out and start running again.  It was the first time I had to completely squash a plan -- I prefer it when the players actually start their plan and then struggle to reach their goals.  But this was just too much.  I couldn't keep track of what it was they were trying to do anymore.  So -- yeah.  Missile.  Not very subtle, I know, but it got 'em hopping again.

 "Hey, we were talking, damnit!"

I refer back to Star Wars.  Their planning is so wonderfully simple.  Their plan on defeating the Death Star?  Fly at it, shoot it, then fly away.  Great plan!  Took all of 3 minutes to figure that one out.