No, Game Over, You Win.

One of the things I enjoy is occasionally indoctrinating a new player.  I say occasionally because I'm pretty sure if I had to do it on a regular basis I'd have a basement full of dead bodies.  But as long as I'm only doing it once in a while, the experience can be fun.  That early skepticism, the doubt that they'll be accepted as a voice in the group, then that wide-eyed moment when they realize their character is about to do something really cool.  Before you know it, they're hooked -- and we've got ourselves a new player.  ...most of the time.

Sometimes, believe it or not, it just doesn't take.  Despite anticipations and lengthy explanations on how cool it is and how much fun we have, role playing isn't for everyone.  You can choose to deny this and go on believing that "anyone can game" just like it says on the box, or you can read on knowing I'm about to introduce you to people who will never accept your invitations to D&D night.

Trust me, you're gonna like this!  Fun, right?

Player One: The Ranger.  Dungeons & Dragons.  Viggo Mortensen's portrayal of Aragorn pretty much defines what a ranger is.  A cunning tracker, effective with a bow or a sword, quick and stealthy, and knows the forests like the back of his hand.  So imagine my surprise when this player wanted a ranger with a fear of snakes.  "Seriously," I said, "a fear of snakes?  You're a ranger -- why are you afraid of snakes?"  The reasoning was simple.  They're icky.  It all spiraled downhill from there.  This ranger carried not one but two long bows across each shoulder but lacked the talent to use either one, didn't want to touch anything that was deemed "icky", and got annoyed when I said the Charm Animal skill won't work on the demon critters trying to kill the party.  It's difficult for other players to utilize the talents of a Ranger who's afraid of the woods, doesn't like the dark, and refuses to touch anything wet, slimy, or otherwise unpleasant (which isn't easy to avoid in a dark ages D&D campaign).  Player One had no fun, and that was the end of that.

...no, I got my Ranger License from a cereal box.  Really, how do I get home from here?

Player Two: The Superhero from Hell.  Mutants and Masterminds.  Okay, where to even begin with this one.  Player Two was a psycho.  Let's start there.  Part of the fun of a superhero RPG is the ability to make quite literally anything you can imagine.  When I say that, most people gear their minds towards the classic 4-color comic book world or some overpowered planet-shattering anime.  Player Two said "I want to make a giant snake.  With wings.  That breathes fire!"  Oh no, he was quite serious and really excited about bringing his deranged fantasy to life.  And silly me -- I let it happen.  It's his first game, I thought it important he get to experience it his own way.  I was also afraid he was going to stab me in the eye with his pencil.  Minutes later, the city was in peril and the team raced to save the citizens of ... Oh My God, the Flying Snake Thing is randomly eating citizens and burning shit to the ground!  Player Two rocked on his heels and cackled maniacally as he ordered his creation to eat every passersby and poop flames onto every corner gas station.  Nobody really knew what to do with that, so we stayed out of his way, declared him "The Winner of The Game", and watched a movie.

 I'm here to save the motha effin' day, bitches!  Die!!!

And finally, our honorable mention, Player Three: The Fighter.  Dungeons & Dragons.  So young and eager and full of vigor.  Ready to take on whatever challenges lay ahead.  Okay, maybe a little too eager.  Enough that his voice was starting to sound like a chipmunk on ecstasy and Red Bull.  It wasn't long before his decisions were a little ... erratic. 

• "Combat has started.  You go first."
• "I stab him!"
• "You can be a little more elaborate if you want.  It doesn't have to be as simple as that."
• "Okay.  I stab him in the brain!"
• ...sigh.

And that set the tone for the evening.  Every action, every turn, was another hyperactive chance to blurt out that he was going to stab someone in a very specific organ.  "I stab him in the appendix!" and "I stab him in the liver!"... and finally, "This is kinda lame because all I can do is stab people."  I wanted to correct him, but was afraid of what the outcome might be. 

Creative?  No.  Effective?  Yeah, mostly.  Now pick an organ.

These players gave it the ol' college try, but either couldn't grasp the concept, didn't want to grasp the concept, or were just too unhinged and should be blacklisted by the RPGA.  Regardless, they're not coming back.  But their memories will live on at our drunkest moments.